I went to bed last night frustrated at not having the car we’re trying to buy, nor reliable internet so that I can make my Skype video calls with my therapy clients, as well as my friends and family I am missing in the States. But after a night of deep rest, this morning, I awoke to the tropical birds calling and a soft breeze blowing the white curtains of our little casita. The tension was gone. As I relaxed in bed, I reflected on this amazing vehicle my soul has been chauffeured around in during this lifetime. And it feels as if this journey has been not merely a singular, but rather, several lifetimes.
I laced up my running shoes and headed out the door with Martin. Each morning, we have been running up on the Chirripo Volcano trails. Its so much fun to share the experience. We see our local friends, and watch the early morning farmers walking their mules laden with fresh steel buckets full of raw milk to the pulperia. In some strange way, I feel some sort of guidance when I am up on that mountain. And I receive the insights gratefully.
Listening to my breath and the soft padding of my feet on the trail, I returned to gratitude. Gratitude is the path back to happiness. I have been deeply blessed with radiant health, good luck and an adventurous heart. That is not to say I have never struggled or toiled feverishly. There have been many times throughout my 42 years, when I have lost my way, forgot my truth and languished in indecision, poverty and loneliness. However without fail, my angels seem to gently nudge me toward my truth. I am most thankful for my ability to listen to their guidance in times when I have been hopelessly lost on my path. It seems these spirits offer an inner compass back to my innermost truth when I need them most. I suppose they are here for all of us, we just need to be able to listen to our intuition and follow it.
And here I am, in Costa Rica! This is The Dream my love, Martin and I have had for at least twenty years. It took so much to get here. So much focus and tenacity. I am very much comfortable in the toiling to get to my goal, but success is much less comfortable. After being so driven, focused and tenacious for so long, I’m not quite sure how to turn it off and relish in the completion. The concocted fantasy of how delicious it will be when I arrive seems to be in contrast with the actuality. The problem lies within myself, rather than with whatever thing I have been chasing.
It is a strange place for me to be when I finally arrive at a destination which I have worked so hard to get to. And here again, I stand at the apex of a goal completed not quite knowing what to do with myself. From this vantage point, I am able to see all the other mountaintops of the successes in my life….When we moved to Mount Shasta and built our dream house, when I had our twins after years of infertility and miscarriages, when I completed my master’s thesis after five years of intense study, when I placed in the half marathon against so many strong women, and many more. Looking back, these triumphs feel incredibly sweet, but when they were actually happening, my mind kept playing, “What’s next?”
My guide nudged me…B-r-e-a-t-h-e.
I stopped my trajectory at a vista looking out over the pretty valley. I opened my arms wide and took in a deep breath. I stood looking out. The epiphany crept into my conscious mind to surrender, again, surrender. Ugh! SURRENDER, again?!
But the next realization came to deepen the awareness. What is important is to be honest about what this time offers. There is a unique blend that only comes together once in a lifetime, a unique blend of this land, this culture, this mind, body and spirit, mood, friends… all of it. The car isn’t happening, the internet isn’t happening and it is all unfolding with absolute perfection. It is an offering for something new. What you have been pining for is here, love. Time to write, time to paint, time to connect with new friends, time to connect with my children, with nature. Writer and occultist Dion Fortune said evil is energy and force misplaced in time. Now I understand this. Surrender to the uniqueness of THIS moment, and magic will follow.