What a gift! Today, I am full of gratitude!
After a week of anxiety, I realized I was digging myself deeper into that hole where my mind plays tricks and anxiety reigns. I decided to stop isolating and step out of my own monkey-mind and get a bigger view. I called my new friend, Nonie the next morning. She informed me that it was the day for the New Moon Women’s Gathering. Wonderful, just the medicine I need!
In the early morning, I ventured out first to yoga instructed by Meghan. As luck would have it, I was the only person who came. I got a one-on-one session that was incredibly healing. We had a beautiful, long talk after a beautiful practice. I ventured to offer some of what I have been dealing with. These little risks of opening up to people are challenging for me. This pattern of being the healer to everyone else, but never allowing anyone to heal me is an old wound. Limping about and acting sick or victimized was never part of our family’s acceptable behavior. The expectation was, “When you fall down, you buck up. Get yourself up, brush yourself off and quit boobing about it.”
I have recently realized how conveniently I have carried this into my psychotherapy practice. As a therapist, I have trained myself to focus on my clients’ problems and not my own. Self disclosure is forbidden. This is appropriate in the therapeutic setting, but I have let this bleed over into my personal life. In the past, I have withheld what was really going on inside me from everyone except a few, very close confidants. I recognize that I need to change this pattern in order to keep my life energetically sustainable. I encourage all my clients to reveal themselves. I say, “Be vulnerable. When you are vulnerable people will be able to love you more. Relationships become more intimate when we do this in a safe and emotionally wise way.” Now, I have decided to change this pattern of emotionally withholding. And to my relief, when I took that little step of opening up, Meghan was wonderfully empathic.
Later in the day, I went to the Women’s Gathering. They did a session of authentic movement which Nonie led. This is a technique where the “Mover” moves around with her eyes closed in any way she feels for ten minutes, and a “Witnesser” watches the movements. After the ten minutes, you gather and process the movement– what feelings came up, what the Witnesser saw, etc. At first, I expected I was going to be shy, intellectually disconnected, and likely to jockey to play the role of the therapist, and not the mover (too vulnerable!). I was quite please and surprised with myself when I had completely let go of my inhibitions. I squatted on the ground, hissed, undulated and rolled around with abandon! I felt like a lioness, powerful and serpentine. It was interesting because earlier in the day, during meditation, out of the Goddess Tarot deck I drew Sehkmet. I was relieved once again, as I was earlier in the day, that Nonie held space for me graciously.
Part of my awakening has been that I really need to cure myself of these nagging endocrine issues once and for all. I am so tired of gaining and losing weight and feeling like a victim when I eat 900 calories a day, exercise for 2 hours and still gain weight. So, the next day, which was today, I went to a new alternative healer, John Blue. He is an incredible acupuncturist and Traditional Chinese Medicine practitioner.
What a trip! I was expecting an old wizard guy with an accent like Yoda. But I was quite surprised to see a young, straight-looking Gringo kid beckon me into his clinic. His office was crowded with people chatting and laughing. Not at all the energy you would find in a traditional physician’s office! And John exudes an energy of joy and ease. He is sharp as a tack and quick. But when I spoke about how I was feeling, I felt like he stopped the world to deeply listen to me. He immediately sensed what I needed, and stuck several needles all over my body. There we were 5 or 6 people, all different ages and ailments, sprawled out with needles all over us, and laughing and chatting like we were at a dinner party. John recognized issues I’ve had from past surgeries that I was very shocked and interested to learn. He said the c-section, and subsequent corrective surgical traumas I had with the twins, 11 years ago, has cut my Qi off from its ability to travel up and down my body. The organs and body all needs to communicate freely and this blockage was causing most of my issues. He assured me we can get feeling back in that area (its been numb for years!) and get the Qi flowing again.
I am hopeful and curious about these new treatments. It feels good to feel like can take steps to make myself feel better. And these actions are self sustaining and positive. I am committed to practicing daily Qi Gong, yoga or gratitude meditation as well as pursuing these alternative medicine. I am also committed to being more open and sharing with my friends, particularly women. I love to support and nurture, but I also love feeling deeply seen and understood. It seems, as social animals, we must find and develop these human connections in order to live a rich and happy life. I am deeply grateful for the broader vista these experiences have offered me. I pray and give thanks that they continue.